Friday, July 17, 2015

Big Wig

Yes, I know. Though a feature was at one time promised to wrap up the loose ends of the prematurely cancelled cult classic, Big Wig was not a film, but a highly regarded hilarious dystopian TV show.

And what a glorious season it was, launching the careers of - well, seemingly everyone from the cast, but significantly Phil Nathanson who of course went on to great fame as a strip-club owner, turned private investigator in the hit TV show Tassle; and Bailey McGettigan whose insane yet pitch-perfect comic timing has made him (arguably) the most sought comedian "of an age" in the whole of the U.K.

If you haven't heard of Big Wig, I promise you you have a friend somewhere who can't wait to recommend it to you. "Imagine West Wing was set in Orwellian dictatorship" they will tell you - 'cause that's the spot-on description that everyone uses. And not only are they right about that, but they are also right about the fact that you have got to see this show. Today's feature is a particularly famous scene from the pilot episode The First Day. Its a long one, known amongst fans as the "not not" scene. Its not obvious from the scene itself, but the scene was a single take that filled the entire act between the first and second commercial breaks. It was a tour de force.



INT. FEATURELESS ROOM - DAY
A tepid light hangs into the dark. Gray sits in a hard chair. An imposing military man - GENERAL PIKE - and a severe female executive - MINISTER SLEDGE - stand over him.
GENERAL PIKE
The Ministry of Escort is at your Mother's apartment...
GRAY
Please! Don't hurt her, she means nothing to me. You have my loyalty. I swear on my Mother's grave.
MINISTER SLEDGE
It is a benefit of position.
GRAY
Whose position?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Special Adjutant to the Chancellor.
GRAY
What does - I've never heard of the... have to do with my Mother?
A hint of damning him for all time...
GENERAL PIKE
John Gray, N-23. YOU are the Special Adjutant to the Chancellor.
The General pulls Gray from his seat and ushers him into an austere hallway on a hurried West Wing-esque 'walk and talk.'
GRAY
I turn a little wheel on a wall. That is what I do. I don't even know what it does, but I do it very well. I am a highly qualified little-wheel-on-a-wall-turner. But I don't know that that... That - I - have the background or training to be the Special Adjutant to the Chancellor. The Chancellor? As in "THE Chancellor" Chancellor?
They nod.
GRAY (CONT'D)
I... admire the Chancellor - a lot. Probably more than most citizens.
Definitely more than most citizens - top twelve - I mean ONE percent of the population. But I... What could I possibly do for the Chancellor? How could I be a Special Adjutant?
As if granting a benediction...
MINISTER SLEDGE
Simply take care of daily needs.
They turn a corner into...
INT. TIDY OUTER OFFICE - DAY
Gray is now changed from his overalls into full dress-military uniform as they enter the finest room yet seen... which is not saying much.  A wooden desk with a placard reading 'SPECIAL ADJUTANT' is one of the two pieces of furniture.  The other, a pristine chair.
GRAY
When you said I take care of the Chancellor's needs... like... Press his uniform?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Lucky, lucky You.
GENERAL PIKE
And make decisions.
The General inspects Gray's uniform.
GRAY
Like… meal decisions?
GENERAL PIKE
Oh no. He always wants ice cream.
GRAY
What sort of decisions?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Policy!
Sledge clicks her fingers and a dozen men wheel dollies stacked with boxes overflowing with papers into the room, and disappear just as quickly.
GRAY
Wh...?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Yesterday's backlog. Pity replacing an adjutant.
GRAY
You can't expect me to do all that...
GENERAL PIKE
And "Territorial Advocacy."
Pike cuffs a conspicuously locked metallic briefcase to Gray's wrist.
GRAY
Why...?
GENERAL PIKE
The Chancellor can not make decisions like this himself.
GRAY
Why not!?!
Sledge thrusts a document and pen into Gray's face.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Authorize!
Gray shoves it aside.
 GRAY
Wait! Why can't the Chancellor make..?
Sledge pushes the paper back expectantly.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Why are you just smiling? Why can't the Chancellor..? Is there something wrong with the Chancellor?
Sledge and Pike look at each other – unspoken, panic. Sledge emphatically pushes the pen at Gray.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Give me an answer first.
Sledge looks to Pike, perplexed.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Say something! Did I say something? Is there something the matter with the Chancellor?
Pike looks to the unmistakable surveillance cameras in the room. Sledge chuckles as if Gray were quaint.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Why am I the only one talking? What am I not understanding?
Pike forces out a response.
GENERAL PIKE
No.
GRAY
"No" what!?
MINISTER SLEDGE
There is nothing at all the matter with the Chancellor.
GRAY
So I'd be… advising him?
GENERAL PIKE
Pointless! Under the circumstances.
GRAY
You just said...?
MINISTER SLEDGE
That you would be advising the Chancellor.
GRAY
I said that.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Then it is settled! Now, authorize.
Sledge forces the pen into Gray's fingers. Gray steps back with the pen.
GRAY
I don't think so.
MINISTER SLEDGE
The Republic thinks for us. Is it not wonderful?
GRAY
What about the Chancellor?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Of course someone has to think for the Chancellor.
GENERAL PIKE
Under the circumstances.
GRAY
What circumstances!?
GENERAL PIKE
To - Make - Decisions.
GRAY
I get that.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Spectacular! Moving on...
Sledge holds the document to the pen in Gray's hand and jiggles it around.
GRAY
Oh. No. You. Don't!
Gray wields the pen like a dagger.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Are you threatening me?
GRAY
Why can't the Chancellor make decisions of his own accord?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Now you are being silly.
Gray grabs Sledge by the lapel.
GRAY
Now I'm threatening you.
Pike pulls Gray off Sledge.
GENERAL PIKE
Alright, alright.
(To Sledge.)
I shall take care of this.
Pike nods Sledge towards the outer door.
MINISTER SLEDGE
I will return.
Sledge straightens her clothes and backs out of the room.
Pike sits on the corner of the desk and steels himself.
He looks at Gray as if he is about to spill the beans...
...and then chickens out.
Pike's hands float in the air in front of him as he tries to grasp a way to say what he needs to say.
He looks from one surveillance camera to the next, and the next, and the next...
Pike stares at the floor for a moment, takes several sharp breaths, raises his head and looks Gray straight in the eye and draws his breath...
Sledge pokes her head in.
Pike shakes his head vigorously at Sledge. Sledge leaves. Pike snatches the document from Sledge as she disappears.
GRAY
Okay, okay. Out with it. What's the matter with the Chancellor?
Pike leans on his fists upon the desk. He looks at the surveillance cameras, then back at the document on the desk. He looks from the document to Gray, and lifts a eyebrow in negotiation.
They stare deadlocked until Pike breaks into an assuring half-smile. Gray hesitantly signs.
GENERAL PIKE
The Chancellor -
Pike's voice diminishes into a sub-whisper barely more than an exhalation, before returning to full volume with...
GENERAL PIKE (CONT'D)
So, there you have it!
GRAY
No no. Wait!
GENERAL PIKE
Minister!
The door opens and Sledge pokes her head in.
GRAY
Not finished.
Gray pushes Sledge back out.
GRAY (CONT'D)
You tricked me. I signed, and you said nothing about the Chancellor.
GENERAL PIKE
I most certainly said something.
GRAY
Alright, so what did you say was wrong with the Chancellor?
GENERAL PIKE
I said 'nothing at all is wrong with the Chancellor!'
GRAY
You did not!
GENERAL PIKE
I double-plus did. Minister!
The door starts to open, but Gray slams it shut.
GRAY
You said 'The Chancellor....'
GENERAL PIKE
'Is of perfectly sound mind and body.'
Beat.
GRAY
So something IS wrong with the Chancellor...
GENERAL PIKE
Not at all.
GRAY
And...
Gray makes surreptitious gestures to the cameras.
GRAY (CONT'D)
You just can't say so.
GENERAL PIKE
Absolutely not.
GRAY
You mean you absolutely can't say so, or there is something wrong with the Chancellor?
No answer. Gray steps in close to Pike.
GRAY (CONT'D)
(Extreme sotto voce.)
Just a subtle nod…
Gray demonstrates with his head.
GRAY (CONT'D)
…or shake. Is there something wrong with the Chancellor?
Pike raises his head... then ambiguously makes a broad circle with it - crushing Gray's hope for clarity.
GRAY (CONT'D)
What!?! Is that supposed to mean…
GENERAL PIKE
Minister, we are truly finished!
Sledge enters.
GRAY
...There is something wrong with the Chancellor?
Sledge charges between them vehemently.
MINISTER SLEDGE
There is nothing wrong with the Chancellor.
GRAY
(Furious sarcasm.)
Yes. I know.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Fantastic! Now, first order of business...
GRAY
So. This thing that is 'not wrong' with the Chancellor... what is it?
Gray stares down Sledge. Sledge looks to Pike - no help.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Is... he... 'not dead?'
MINISTER SLEDGE
Ah! No. He is not dead.
Gray is suddenly deflated - a paradigm has shifted.
GRAY
Whoa. The Chancellor is dead?
MINISTER SLEDGE
No no! The Chancellor is not dead.
GRAY
He is NOT dead.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Right. Now, your first duty...
GRAY
You are sure the Chancellor is NOT dead.
MINISTER SLEDGE
As of this morning, absolutely. In fact, two and a half days from now...
Okay - a paradigm has NOT shifted.
GRAY
So then. This thing that the Chancellor is not, is...
Sledge looks to Pike for guidance in vain.
GRAY (CONT'D)
Finish this sentence. "The Chancellor is not...."
MINISTER SLEDGE
Dead?
GRAY
You don't get this game, do you?
MINISTER SLEDGE
The Chancellor is...
Gray sees a sudden flash of inspiration in Sledge's eye.
GRAY
Yes!?
MINISTER SLEDGE
NOT NOT able to make decisions on his own.
GRAY
"Not not able?"
With increasingly furious sincerity…
MINISTER SLEDGE
And, as the Chancellor is not not capable of making choices for himself...
GRAY
I will die an old man right here in this room.
MINISTER SLEDGE
It falls upon the Special Adjutant to fulfill the duties of office The Chancellor is not not fit to carry out....
GRAY
Why?
As if it's accepted wisdom…
MINISTER SLEDGE
Being not not able to compose in the capacity of Chancellor of The Republic...
GRAY
Why? Why? Why?
MINISTER SLEDGE
The not not formulation of The Chancellor's Public Mollification three days hence not not falls to the counter-administrations of his Special Adjutant.
GRAY
AH! As the Special Adjutant to the Chancellor of The Republic, I hereby order you to tell me what is the matter with the Chancellor.
Pike and Sledge look at each other incredulously.
GENERAL PIKE
We three hold equal executive rank.
GRAY
I can't order you to do anything?
They shake their heads.
From the inner chamber comes a fanfare voiced by a single person, imitating the various instruments of a martial band - complete with cannon blasts.
The door bursts open - THE CHANCELLOR - the leader from the posters seen earlier.
The Chancellor enters, standing behind the desk.
Pike, Sledge and Gray. Snap to attention and salute.
The Chancellor quits his fanfare abruptly upon seeing Pike and Sledge - his eyes light up.
CHANCELLOR
Pike! Sledgie!
The Chancellor looks at Gray.
CHANCELLOR (CONT'D)
Terrorist!
Alarms blare! Lights flash.
The outer door opens and a ill-matched pair of inadequate soldiers enter and grab Gray.
GENERAL PIKE
All due respect Chancellor, NOT a terrorist.
CHANCELLOR
Not a terrorist?
GENERAL PIKE
No sir.
The Chancellor claps twice and the lights and alarm ends. The soldiers release Gray and exit.
CHANCELLOR
Who are you then?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Your Special Adjutant, Sir.
CHANCELLOR
Of course. I didn't recognize you with the... face.
MINISTER SLEDGE
He is an emergency replacement, Sir.
Gray extends his hand.
GRAY
It's a great honour...
The Chancellor ignores Gray's hand - intent on Sledge.
CHANCELLOR
What happened to the last one?
MINISTER SLEDGE
You had him executed, your Excellence.
Gray withdraws his hand.
CHANCELLOR
Executed?
MINISTER SLEDGE
In league with the Minister of Information - also executed.
CHANCELLOR
The Minister of Information?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Knew too much.
GENERAL PIKE
High treason against the people.
CHANCELLOR
Damn those people!
GENERAL PIKE
They are your people, Sir.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Who unanimously elected you when your father mortally abdicated the throne.
CHANCELLOR
Excellent people. I'm going for ice cream.
The Chancellor steps out from the desk, his bare-ass is testament to the fact he is naked from the waist down.
Gray watches the Chancellor leave.
GRAY
The Chancellor is completely insane.
Pike and Sledge say nothing.
GRAY (CONT'D)
The Chancellor is completely not insane.
MINISTER SLEDGE
(Zealously.)
Yes.
GENERAL PIKE
(Tragically.)
Quite.
GRAY
Then how can he be Chancellor?
MINISTER SLEDGE
Because he is.
GRAY
Right. Right. How then, does a man in his condition deliver Public Mollifications?
MINISTER SLEDGE
There is an actor.
Gray does not know the term.
GRAY
...an 'actor?' What is...
GENERAL PIKE
A look-alike.
GRAY
Is this 'actor' sane?
They nod.
GRAY (CONT'D)
I am sure this is a stupid question...
MINISTER SLEDGE
There are no stupid questions.
Gray sets the briefcase on the desk to use both hands emphatically.
GRAY
Why doesn't the actor take the Chancellor's place and eliminate need for a Special Adjutant?
Sledge had never before considered it... Intriguing.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Eliminate the Special Adjutant?
GRAY
Forget I asked.
MINISTER SLEDGE
Though who then would write the Chancellor's speech?
GRAY
Speech?
MINISTER SLEDGE
I just told you.
GRAY
You did?
GENERAL PIKE
She did.
GRAY
I don't know the first thing...
GENERAL PIKE
You will learn quickly then.
GRAY
Or...?
GENERAL PIKE
The Minister and I will be having this conversation with your emergency replacement three nights from now.
Pike draws his finger across his throat.
GRAY
Three days!
MINISTER SLEDGE
You have until the start of A-Shift, that evening.
Gray runs his hands through his hair, the act of which yanks the chain to the briefcase, toppling it from the desk, pulling Gray's hand with it to his frustration.

Gray is arrested and conscripted into the highest level of government - a practical death sentence.

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