Thursday, July 23, 2015

How to Write Books About Screenwriting for Fun and Profit

Who among us hasn’t ambled through their local bookstore and found themselves in the enormous section of books dedicated to writing screenplays? It almost makes no sense that there are so many. How could there be such a large selection?

The answer, as it turns out, is quite simple and points to something that you, by right of reading this, are in a perfect position to capitalize upon...

The answer is that the market has not yet been saturated and there is still plenty more room for books about screenwriting.

So what are you waiting for? You need to know RIGHT NOW how to take full advantage of this opportunity and suck on that teat.

“But I don’t know the first thing about screenwriting” you say.
No problem! You don’t even have to have watched a movie to succeed in this business – it is THAT EASY! All you need do is follow the simple blueprint for success that I have laid out in my book Writing About Screenwriting Writing for Quick $$$$$$.

I have spent years breaking down and analyzing the sure-fire elements for success that the greatest screenwriting books of all time have in common, and have laid them out for you in an easy-to-follow formula for writing a best-selling book about writing screenplays.

Writing About Screenwriting Writing for Quick $$$$$$ will show you:

  • How to invent arbitrary structural conceits based upon a small number of cherry-picked movies that conveniently fit your theory of alleged creativity.
  • The “correct” page numbers at which things in screenplays must happen or the paper will spontaneously combust.
  • The secrets to making up catchy phrases to name structural conceits that must have worked well in one movie somewhere sometime and therefore must be actual rules.
  • The very precise number of pages a screenplay absolutely has to be or else it will be peed-upon by sprawling herds of cackling script readers.
  • The long list of things that “must not” happen in film scripts if you want them to be taken seriously by anyone who has ever imagined how constrictive a process could possibly be. No book on screenwriting would be complete without these. YOU MUST NOT LEAVE THIS OUT.
  • The equally long list of things that absofuckinglutely must happen when you are writing a screenplay or else bad stuff will happen to you – probably not dramatically inspirational stuff either; paper-cuts, dog-farts, comically (but not comically enough) bad-hair-days and… general stuff like that.
  • All the proper technical names for each of the character functions in screenplays, so you can explain to your acolytes the difference between the Heroic Anti-ally and the Active Antagonistic Co-mentor (amongst others.)
  • A comprehensive list of the many variations of the crime of Directing on the Page and the minimum sentences associated with each of them.
  • Whitespace.
  • Additional information on how to avoid other film professionals’ jobs on the page. Thus your readers can avoid; casting on the page, editing on the page, costuming on the page, designing on the page, focus-pulling on the page, creative accounting on the page, booming on the page, prepping the call-sheet on the page, cinematogro-afeeing on the page, gaffing on the page, acting on the page (Oxford comma.) and writing on the page.
  • How to fabricate impactful terminology to describe invented benchmarks in a script and how to place them at the Critical Demagogical Intersections of your book.
  • The 10 aphorisms about writing screenplays that no book about writing screenplays can be without. (Free Sample: “Character is story.”)
  • A thorough listing of verb tenses that you should be avoiding using in all circumstances that may be surfacing for emerging screenwriting hopefuls.
  • How to provide credible sounding advice on things you've never done, like pitching. (HINT: Like a magician, you should never reveal your tricks! An accomplished screenwriter will never tell a producer the ending - they have to read the script!)
  • How to present your writing credits in the best light possible. Short films, features almost considered for development, stage plays, YouTube videos, other books about screenwriting - all of these count towards boosting your credibility as an authority on screenwriting. How do I know this? I WROTE THIS BOOK!

Also learn how you can make additional income from your book by:

  • Talking! That’s right! Just talking. Just get up in front of a room and talk like you know what you are talking about. Sell tickets. Take several days to talk so you have the appearance of greater command of the subject and can charge logarithmically more.
  • Script consulting. Learn the secrets of getting hopeful screenwriters to send you their scripts with the understanding that you can help them. (Note: You must be able to scribble in wide margins.) A comprehensive list of buzzwords is included with this section.
  • Podcasting. (NOTE: Podcasting section has been removed from latest edition. There is no way to make money podcasting.)
  • Create contests with perceived value. Charge meaninglessly large entry fees!

Order your copy of Writing About Screenwriting Writing for Quick $$$$$$ and get writing and make some quick $$$$ - it is THE BIBLE of books on screenwriting. Adhere to it, chapter and verse, or fail in peril.

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