99% Girlfriend

If you aren't familiar with the Film-Sport podcast, you should check it out. Every week they have a top five list exploring some film related category. Top five films about imagination. Top five performances by inanimate objects. Top five directors who never stood a chance in Hollywood. You get the idea. When they announce the topic at the beginning of an episode I spend the rest of the show working out my top five on the subject in the back of my head as I listen to the reviews and other features. Usually at best my number one ranks around the bottom of their top five, and nothing else I pick is anywhere in sight - except maybe as an honourable mention. But not this past week...

This week's top five was: Top five verbal smack-downs. And I got four out of five... the exception being my number one pick. So, as a shout-out to one of my favourite podcasts, here is my number one pick.

From the classic of grunge-era college movies, 99% Girlfriend - if you know the movie, you already know the scene. I think part of what appeals to me about this scene is how easily once upon a time I could have been Blair.

               INT. PHI BETA PHI - NIGHT

               Blair has Abi cornered against a wall, their awkward small

               talk from earlier has dwindled to nothing.

               Blair leans in...

               Abi is uncertain, but she doesn't have anywhere to dodge

               to. After a moment of lip to lip she peels her face away

               and forces her outstretched arm between them.

                                   ABI

                         So do you just kiss girls? Is

                         that your thing?

                                   BLAIR

                         Heh... I didn't "just kiss" you.

                                   ABI

                         Then what was that?

               Yeah yeah.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Yeah. It was. So?

                                   BLAIR

                         Well still - it wasn't just out

                         of the blue.

                                   ABI

                         Three minutes.

               Huh?

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Four minutes ago I'd never seen

                         your face before.

                                   BLAIR

                         If you insist.

                                   ABI

                         So how's that work out for you?

                         Girls usually reciprocate? Slip

                         their hands into your pants?

                                   BLAIR

                         Not... immediately.

                                   ABI

                         But usually.

                                   BLAIR

                         Uh...

                                   ABI

                         Occasionally?

               ...No.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Ever?

               No.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Have you ever tried that trick

                         before?

               no

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Ooooh! I feel like a pioneer.

                         Thank you for the honour! Can I

                         put my hand down your pants?

                         Right - here.

               Blair realizes all attention has turned to them.

                                   BLAIR

                         Uh...

                                   ABI

                         I need your cock.

               Uh-oh.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         I need to knead it. Like dough

                         between my fingers...

               Alright already.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         ...Roll it like lady fingers

                         between my lady fingers.

                                   BLAIR

                         Why are you doing this?

                                   ABI

                         Does it feel unfair? Are you at a

                         disadvantage? Why did you kiss

                         me? Did you have fun? Ah but

                         that's in the past now, isn't it?

                         I am definitely having fun.

               She's done...

                                   BLAIR

                         Are you a lesbian?

                                   PARTY CROWD

                         Oh!

               She's not done.

                                   ABI

                         Tactical error number... I

                         confess, I've lost count. Would

                         that let you off the hook - if I

                         were a lesbian? Would your abject

                         failure to score with me be

                         understandable? Forgivable? Would

                         that salvage your self-image?

                         Make it acceptable to try again

                         with another girl?

               She steps right in - as close to 'in-your-face' as she can

               be at a head and a half shorter than he is.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         Then, "no." For the sake of the

                         sisterhood, "no, I am not a

                         lesbian." 

               She is practically projecting her will right through the

               space he has been blocking.

                                   ABI (CONT'D)

                         If you'll excuse me, I'll let you

                         sweep up the shattered shards of

                         your masculinity - I'm going to

                         throw myself at a computer

                         science under-grad.

               He wilts aside and Abi strides off through a party crowd

               whose chins are on their chests.

                                   DUDE

                         Brutal... THAT WAS AWESOME!

               The party crowd cheer in agreement.

The other scene everyone remembers from the Calvin Carter penned classic