Thursday, April 4, 2013

99% Girlfriend

If you aren't familiar with the Film-Sport podcast, you should check it out. Every week they have a top five list exploring some film related category. Top five films about imagination. Top five performances by inanimate objects. Top five directors who never stood a chance in Hollywood. You get the idea. When they announce the topic at the beginning of an episode I spend the rest of the show working out my top five on the subject in the back of my head as I listen to the reviews and other features. Usually at best my number one ranks around the bottom of their top five, and nothing else I pick is anywhere in sight - except maybe as an honourable mention. But not this past week...
This week's top five was: Top five verbal smack-downs. And I got four out of five... the exception being my number one pick. So, as a shout-out to one of my favourite podcasts, here is my number one pick.

From the classic of grunge-era college movies, 99% Girlfriend - if you know the movie, you already know the scene. I think part of what appeals to me about this scene is how easily once upon a time I could have been Blair.

               INT. PHI BETA PHI - NIGHT
               Blair has Abi cornered against a wall, their awkward small
               talk from earlier has dwindled to nothing.
               Blair leans in...
               Abi is uncertain, but she doesn't have anywhere to dodge
               to. After a moment of lip to lip she peels her face away
               and forces her outstretched arm between them.
                         So do you just kiss girls? Is
                         that your thing?
                         Heh... I didn't "just kiss" you.
                         Then what was that?
               Yeah yeah.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         Yeah. It was. So?
                         Well still - it wasn't just out
                         of the blue.
                         Three minutes.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         Four minutes ago I'd never seen
                         your face before.
                         If you insist.
                         So how's that work out for you?
                         Girls usually reciprocate? Slip
                         their hands into your pants?
                         Not... immediately.
                         But usually.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         Have you ever tried that trick
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         Ooooh! I feel like a pioneer.
                         Thank you for the honour! Can I
                         put my hand down your pants?
                         Right - here.
               Blair realizes all attention has turned to them.
                         I need your cock.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         I need to knead it. Like dough
                         between my fingers...
               Alright already.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         ...Roll it like lady fingers
                         between my lady fingers.
                         Why are you doing this?
                         Does it feel unfair? Are you at a
                         disadvantage? Why did you kiss
                         me? Did you have fun? Ah but
                         that's in the past now, isn't it?
                         I am definitely having fun.
               She's done...
                         Are you a lesbian?
                                   PARTY CROWD
               She's not done.
                         Tactical error number... I
                         confess, I've lost count. Would
                         that let you off the hook - if I
                         were a lesbian? Would your abject
                         failure to score with me be
                         understandable? Forgivable? Would
                         that salvage your self-image?
                         Make it acceptable to try again
                         with another girl?
               She steps right in - as close to 'in-your-face' as she can
               be at a head and a half shorter than he is.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         Then, "no." For the sake of the
                         sisterhood, "no, I am not a
               She is practically projecting her will right through the
               space he has been blocking.
                                   ABI (CONT'D)
                         If you'll excuse me, I'll let you
                         sweep up the shattered shards of
                         your masculinity - I'm going to
                         throw myself at a computer
                         science under-grad.
               He wilts aside and Abi strides off through a party crowd
               whose chins are on their chests.
                         Brutal... THAT WAS AWESOME!
               The party crowd cheer in agreement.
The other scene everyone remembers from the Calvin Carter penned classic

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